I FEEL YUCKY

Well, I woke up this morning, stumbled out of the sack;
My head felt like it just been through a wild oat attack.
My stomach hurt; my joints ached; my ear was plugged clear through.
I took my temperature; it was a hundred and two.
My eyes felt like they'd fall right out of my head.
I thought, "The way you're feeling, Mylo, better get back in bad."

I feel yucky. I feel yucky.
I feel like Russian thistle does right after you spray.
Ooh, I feel yucky today.

So I went down to the drugstore, gave the druggist a glance.
He said, "Make yourself comfortable," and I said, "fat chance."
I bought a box of Pepto, some aspirin and Sucrets,
And I hoped with all my heart this was as bad as it gets.
But then my insides started churning; my tummy gave a moan;
I thought, "Before I have an accident, I'd better get back home."

I feel yucky. Ay-ay-ay, I feel yucky, ja.
By the time I can get out of bed, it's time to hit the hay.
Ooh, I feel yucky today.

Well, now, I'm stuck in the house until this bug goes away.
And to think that I was going to fix the combine today!
My doctor's right beside me, tying to give me a pill;
My lawyer's on the other side, working on my will.
My wife is so unhappy; she wants to wash her hair,
But she can't go in the bathroom after I've been in there!

I feel yucky. Ay-ay-ay, I feel yucky, ja.
This might be the germ that puts me away,
Because I feel yucky today.

I feel yucky. I feel yucky.
The way I feel, I feel like I am in bed to stay.
Ooh, I feel yucky today.
Donnerwetter! I wish I felt better!

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I FOUGHT THE COW (AND THE COW WON)

Cleaning up milk in the hot sun;
I fought the cow and the cow won.
I fought the cow and the cow won.

Bossy broke loose from her stanchion;
I fought the cow and the cow won.
I fought the cow and the cow won.

She kicked the bucket, then she kicked my head,
My milking days are done.
I had to hide out behind the shed.
I fought the cow and the cow won.
I fought the cow and the cow won.

GUITAR SOLO
MYLO (to his brother Darryl): Darryl, that's twice you goofed up!
DARRYL: I'm sorry, Mylo, the music tricks me.
MYLO: Well, keep it up and you're fired.
DARRYL: You can't quit me, I'm fired!
MYLO: What?
DARRYL: Um, I don't know.

My cow kicks like she has six feet.
I fought the cow and the cow beat.
I fought the cow and the cow beat.

I'll serve this cow on a wheat bun;
I want the cow cooked well done,
I'll eat the cow with A1.

She broke my bucket, then she chased my dad;
I didn't know cows could run.
And she's the best cow I've ever had.
I fought the cow and the cow won.
I fought the cow and the cow's done.

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THE BOY NAMED HATZENBUHLER

Big and bald and thick and lumpy,
The boy named Hatzenbuhler goes walking
And when he passes, each one he passes goes "eww!"

When he moves, he's like a combine
That's out of gas and coasting downhill,
And when he passes, each one he passes goes "eeeww!"

Oh, but I watch him so oddly.
Where'd he come up with that body?
Ja, and his walk is so waddly.
Every day that he's walking to school,
Ja, he looks more and more like a fool.
Big and wide and thick and lumpy,
The boy named Hatzenbuhler goes walking,
And when he passes I smile, but he doesn't see.
He just doesn't see,
No, he just doesn't see.

INSTRUMENTAL

Oh, but I watch him so sadly;
How can I tell him I love him?
Ja, I would give my heart gladly,
But he's out by another boy's van,
Just working on his farmer tan.

Big and bald and thick and dumpy,
The boy named Hatzenbuhler goes walking,
And when he passes I smile, but he doesn't see.
He just doesn't see.
He looks at cows, not at me.
He just doesn't see.

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MY HAIR

Ladies and gentlemen out there, I have a song I'd like to share;
It's all about my hair.

You should have seen all of the hairs I once produced;
I'd slick 'em down or leave it loose.
But I should have slicked 'em down better,
'Cause now they have got loose for good.

My hair used to shelter my head from the sky,
But no more.
My hair used to make me another inch high,
But that's history, ja.
I used to have hair, but now it's no more,
It comes out in my comb and it falls on the floor,
My hair.

One day it started to recede, and then my hairline picked up speed,
And now it looks just like a field that I didn't seed.
My head's like pasture where the herd's moved on,
Because my cowlick is completely gone.
And where I once used Brylcreem, now I use car wax instead.

My hair used to grow from side to side, oh, boy,
But my part is now four and a half inches wide - I measured it.
I tried growing it long, but it made me look rough.
I tried to comb it across, but there wasn't enough of my hair.

My hair will be gone for eternity,
I wish that for heads there was a CRP.
Oh, and even in Heaven I'll be without hair,
'Cause everyone knows there is no parting there.
My hair.
If your head looks like mine, then, boy does it shine!
My hair.

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OLD-TIME CARAMEL ROLL

Just put those old pastries on the shelf;
I'll never eat 'em all by myself.
If you want to know my breakfast goal,
I like an old-time caramel roll.

I like the shimmer of the frosting;
I like the way the bread winds in a curve.
It might be the best food you can serve.
I like an old-time caramel roll.

Still like an old-time caramel.
That kind of eating just soothes my soul.
Don't want a donut, 'cause it has a hole;
I like an old-time caramel roll.

Get my knife and fork…

Don't try to feed me a salad;
I'm afraid I'll grow rabbit ears,
And rabbits only live for three or four years!
I'll take an old-fashioned caramel roll.

You'll never sneak me past a bakery,
'Cause I can smell the smell right through the front door.
I'll lick the frosting right off of the floor!
I like an old-time caramel roll.

I like an old-time caramel.
That kind of eating just soothes my soul.
Don't like a donut, 'cause it has a hole;
I like an old-time caramel roll.

Rock & roll with Mylo…

Still like an old-time caramel.
That kind of eating just soothes my soul.
Don't want a donut, 'cause it has a hole;
I like an old-time caramel roll.

Hey, let's go…eat!
Pass the butter.

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BORN TO BE WIDE

Get up in the morning, heading for the kitchen.
Looking for some breakfast, oh, my appetite's twitching!
I'm mixing up the waffle batter; I'm fixing me some oatmeal and toast.
I'm gonna have a slice of kuchen, and a little pot roast.

Someone told me, "Mylo, stick to breakfast, lunch, and dinner."
But whoever said that must have wanted me thinner!
I'm eating when I'm on the tractor; I'm eating on the way into town.
I've found eating is the best way to keep my appetite down.

Like a true German boy, I say that food, food is my joy.
I keep my weight so high and never want to diet.
Born to be wide!
Born to be wide!
Yum!

Sauerkraut and knoepfle, borscht and apple strudel;
When it comes to mealtime I sure use my noodle!
I'm always going back for seconds; I'm even going back for thirds.
My love for food is so strong it can't be put into words.

Like a true German boy, I tell you food, food is my joy.
I keep my weight so high, and never want to diet.
Born to be wide!
Born to be wide!

Take me home - I want lunch again!

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PANTS IN THE CLOSET

I went to town just the other day. I wore overalls in the usual way,
With the bib hanging out and the cuffs all frayed. My wife said,
"Mylo, you should dress up today. You should wear your new pants;
You know they look so good." And I said, "I wish I could, ma;
You know I really wish I could."

And the pants in the closet, well, they just don't fit.
If I bend over, then the seams will split.
Hanging on the hanger, ja, they look so great,
But first I need to lose some weight, ma; I'll wear 'em when I lose some weight.

My wife said, "Mylo, you need to slim down. I bought a diet book at the store in town.
If you stick to the plan and you just don't cheat, the book says you can lose a pound a week."
Well, if I stuck to that plan for six straight years, you know that I'd disappear, ma,
I'd altogether disappear.

And the pants in the closet, well, they're just too small.
A guy my weight should be eight feet tall.
When will they fit me? I don't know when,
But I'll try the plan 'till then, ma,
I'll stick to the diet 'till then.

I lost ten pounds, but it took a while;
By the time the pants fit, they were out of style.
My wife said, Mylo, this'll never do. What we need is a new pair of pants for you.
Where's the catalog?" She asked, and I stood tall:
"It's out on the outhouse wall, ma, it's hanging on the outhouse wall."

Now I got new pants, but they don't do the trick;
They came too big, and they make me look sick.
I need to gain weight before I wear them again,
But I'll wear the new pants then, ma,
You know I'll wear my new pants then.

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MYLO'S IN THE STREAM

MYLO: Okay, Emma, you ready?
EMMA: I'm ready, Mylo.
MYLO: I'll start; you pick it up later.
EMMA: Okay, that's the way we do it.
MYLO: Okay. Get down.

MYLO: Emma, when I met you, ja, then we went fishing.
We'd dig a can of worms and then we'd sit there wishing
That we'd get a bite. We'd sit all might by the water.
EMMA: Then one day I hooked a fish, but the line got tangled.
Mylo tried to pull it free from where it dangled,
But as he pulled it loose, he choked on his snoose, and he fell in.

BOTH: Mylo's in the stream. Go and get the rope.
We can pull him out. He is such a dope!
He'll be soaking wet, catch a cold I bet.
We'll have to warm him by the fire, ach, ja,
Or maybe use the grain dryer, ach, ja.

EMMA: I took off and ran back home to get the truck.
Mylo called behind me that his foot was stuck,
And he didn't dare look, but he thought that the fish
Was in his trousers.

BOTH: Mylo's in the stream. Oh, for Heaven's sake!
We can't pull him out, 'cause the rope will break.
Let's go build a dam just upstream from him,
And we can dry up the water, ach, ja,
Get him back where he oughtta, ach, ja.

BOTH: Mylo's in the stream. I hope he don't drown,
'Cause we have a date to go into town.
If he floats away, then it's sad to say
I'll have to go with his brother, ach, ja,
From one Hatzenbuhler to another, ach, ja.
Ja, ja, ja!

BOTH: (gasping)
EMMA: Mylo, I'm out of gas!
MYLO: Ja, that was a fast one.
EMMA: Oh, I'm just tuckered!
MYLO: Let's go sit down.
EMMA: Ja, to rest.
MYLO: You want a sandwich, Emma?
EMMA: Oh, no, Mylo, I'm not hungry.
MYLO: Oh…can I have yours then?
EMMA: Ach!

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"RADIO MYLO" MEDLEY

ANNOUNCER: Do you listen to the radio a lot? It's getting harder all the time. So many songs, so many singers - of both genders -- It's too much to remember! Don't you wish it was easier?

Well, it can be. Come with me to a simpler world, with simpler songs, and simple singers; a world where all the radio stations play only Mylo Hatzenbuhler songs. Welcome to the world of…Radio "MYLO!"

PROPANE

If you want to heat right, you've got to use it at night - propane.
All your troubles are past when you use LP gas - propane.
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right - propane.

Well, you can heat up the barn and keep the hayloft real warm - propane.
You keep it in a big tank, because, ay, does it stink! - propane.
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right - propane.
I'm hip…

HELP ME, ROUNDUP

I woke up this morning, and everything seemed so fine,
Until I looked at my yard, and saw a big crop of dandelions.
There were thorns on every side, and the thistles were growing wide.
I quickly got a can of my favorite herbicide.

Help me, Roundup! Help, help me, Roundup!
Help me, Roundup! Help, help me, Roundup!
Help me, Roundup, ja! Get it out of my yard.

BIG HAY SPENDER

The minute you walked in the barn, I could tell you were a man with a problem, a livestock dealer.
You've got some grazing land, but you've got a feedlot that's in heavy demand.
So let me get right to the point: my pastureland contains your livestock remedy.
Big hay spender, won't you buy a bale from me?
Won't you buy a bale from me?

ANNOUNCER: More hits from K-moo-AM, the home of the "Strasburg Superstar!"

WE WILL ROCK YOU

Ay! It's a storm; it's a rainstorm, turning all our section roads into swamps today.
I tried driving my truck, but it got stuck. I'm up to my ankles in sticky old muck,
Singing -

We will, we will rock you!
Forward, then reverse!
We will, we will rock you!
Get the truck out -
We will, we will rock you!
Call AAA!
We will, we will rock you!

WE WILL SHOCK YOU

Bossy, you're a cow; you're a dumb cow, grazing in the pasture, thinking you can stroll away.
You got close to the fence. You're just so dense! With all that voltage, you'll be taking a chance.
Singing -

We will, we will shock you!
Dumb cow!
We will, we will shock you!
Ouch!
We will, we will shock you!
Bzzzt!

ALL THE HAY

When your cows are eating, it's no good if they are eating…
All the hay.
In the barn or pasture, you are heading for disasture,
All the hay.
Higher than the highest tree is, that's how your haystack used to was.
But now it has all been eaten, and your cattle starve just because…

When your cows are eating, you can bet that they'll be eating…
All they hay.
Happy ever after, when it's piled up to the rafters,
All the way.
When you have a herd of livestock, don't let them rule the roost, and
Tell your wife and daughter to go chop a lot more fodder,
All they hay, where's all the hay?

ANNOUNCER: This is station KRAUT-FM, "Kraut 99" on you dial. I'm your DJ, "Herman the German," bringing you another non-stop Mylo-thon right after this word from Happy Crop herbicide!

"HAPPY CROP" JINGLE GIRL:
Happy crop, happy crop,
Makes all your weeds stop.
If you want a happy crop,
You should use Happy Crop!
Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy…

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

On the road again, doggone, those cows are on the road again!
I left the gate wide open to the calving pen, and now those cows are on the road again.

GUMMIN' THRO THE RYE

When my Grandpa eats a sandwich, it can make you cry,
'Cause he lost his dentures, and he's gummin' thro' the rye.
The ham is just too tough for him; it can make you sigh!

WE WILL BLOCK YOU

Son, you're playing ball, playing football, playing in the game, trying to make a first down today.
You've got mud on your face, you run in place; you just might trip, 'cause your shoes are unlaced.

We will, we will block you!
Hut one!
We will, we will block you!
Who's got the ball?
We will, we will block you!

Excerpt from: WHY'M I THIS WAY?

…And their polkas are the best in the world.
German cooking…

WE WILL CLOCK YOU

…FFA…You think you milk so fast. We'll find out at last;
We'll time you for the moment when the milk is all passed.
Singing -

We will, we will clock you!
Get the stopwatch!
We wi-

Excerpt from: WHY'M I THIS WAY?

…Sauerkraut…

Excerpt from: BORN TO BE WIDE

…Sauerkraut…

WE WILL FLOCK YOU

…Your Christmas tree should be fluffy and white.

We will, we will flock you!
Ja we will!

PITCHFORK, PITCHFORK

Start spreading manure, and baling some hay;
I want to -- (be a part of it with my pitchfork.)

BY OUR FARM ONCE

Oh, you take the paved road, and I'll take the dirt road,
And I'll get to Strasburg before you.
For the paved road's about ten miles out of the way,
While the dirt road runs yet by our farm once.

WILD OATS

Wild oats, you make you loans float.
You make everything icky.
Wild oats.
Wild oats, I think I'll spray you with post-emergent herbicide.
Come on, weeds, shrivel and die!
I hate you.

Wild oats, you make my loans float.
You make all my yields lower.
Ay!
Wild oats.

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